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Farewell to Comrade Truss

Farewell to Comrade Truss

Freedom can now exclusively reveal that Liz Truss is in fact an undercover anarchist who has been working for years to not only successfully assassinate the immortal monarch but also bring down the Tory government from within with a killer blend of subterfuge, clowning and pitch-perfect comedy timing.

All of us here, above the rapturous noise of a nation laughing delightedly and un-hingedly into the abyss, would like to thank Liz ‘El Gato’ Truss for her loyal and selfless service. Proclaim huzzah and let us encourage anarchists everywhere to raise a glass of Frosty Jack’s to the collapse of the State as it crashes around us, in no small part due to the tireless efforts of ‘the Dragonslayer’.

As one of our most successful sleeper agents to date, she has now left with the grace and honour becoming of her position within insurrectionary anarchism, last seen a-back a galloping horse, (saddleless of course Liz always rode bareback) dashing into the sunset amidst the still smouldering ashes of the destruction she has unleashed upon us.

Opening with a bang with some light regicide, she then outdid herself by weaponising a decade of Tory policy against itself in the style of Che Guevara,  of whom she has a tattoo on her left buttcheek. Liz “strike first, strike hard, no mercy” Truss’ methodology was a textbook mixture of guerilla tactics, classic of when combatting a superior enemy, of using their own power against them, never allowing them to pin you down, mixed with what she gleaned from watching Cobra Kai whilst sitting out PMQs when she was a bit sleepy.

Apparently when Jacob Rees-Mogg and Jeremy Hunt finally smashed down the door to her room in number ten, they were greeted with an open window, curtains billowing gently in the breeze, and a note containing the following quote from Guevara’s Guerilla Warfare: A Method:

These dictatorships carry on within a certain “legal” framework adjudicated by themselves to facilitate their work throughout the unrestricted period of their class domination. Yet we are passing through a stage in which pressure from the masses is very strong and is straining bourgeois legality so that its own authors must violate it in order to halt the impetus of the masses. Barefaced violation of all legislation or of laws specifically instituted to sanction ruling class deeds only increases the pressure from the people’s forces. The oligarchical dictatorships then attempt to use the old legal order to alter constitutionality and further oppress the proletariat without a frontal clash. At this point a contradiction arises. The people no longer support the old, and much less the new, coercive measures established by the dictatorship and try to smash them.”

A rabid anti-capitalist who fought on the streets in Seattle and Genoa, Liz “Busta-Trust-Fund” Truss’ exploits succeeded in driving the pound to record lows and discrediting the legit joke that is ‘trickledown economics’ with a sense of humour drier than the poisoned gin-and-tonic she slipped the Queen to knock her off. Using techniques for sabotage and deception that she learned serving in Rojava, she expertly fucked things up by constantly U-turning on decisions, policy, and pretty much anything that required even an ounce of commitment or ‘planning’, in a play-by-play re-enactment of the Chuckle Brother’s ladder routine that reportedly got fellow undercover agent of chaos Dominick “Lemming” Cummings “stiff as a board” when he realised what she had done.

Like unions across the country, no-one could anticipate where she would strike next. Her Mahknovist-inspired tactics have driven MPs into chaos, infighting and confusion, in line with her madcap strategy to create an opportunity for a transformational societal shift as the UK staggers, punchdrunk from Brexit, Covid, Boris and the transfer of the Queen’s soul to its new human host, on to the ropes.

Truly, a world of anarchists marvels at the audacious plot Truss has unfurled with the help of her gang of Truss-tafarians, like Comrade Suella “Slave To The Rave” Braverman, another brave agent and braver-man than most, who gave the following statement:

“To be honest, we were pretty wasted most of the time in order to keep our minds’ limber enough to deal with the constant head-fuck of driving an entire nation and economy into the fucking ground. She got a lot of inspiration from watching pantomimes at Christmas and old editions of the Beano.  Liz has always been a true militant – she knows that sacrifices have to be made if the people are to rise up and enact their own liberation. She is a dedicated foot solider in the social war and knows that only history will judge her. She is unflinching in the face of mass starvation and an almost limitless body count, knowing that failure to act now would only delay the inevitable shift to whatever is to follow the failed capitalist project. Though not a Maoist per se, Comrade Truss often quoted the following as we pretended to eat veal in the parliamentary dining hall: “A revolution is not a dinner party, or writing an essay, or painting a picture, or doing embroidery; it cannot be so refined, so leisurely and gentle, so temperate, kind, courteous, restrained and magnanimous. A revolution is an insurrection, an act of violence by which one class overthrows another.” I once saw her strangle a dog to death with her bare hands. She’s a stone-cold hustler.”

Biding his time for when he will become the Conservatives’ biscuit boy, part-time teapot/full-time billionaire’s pet Rishi Sunak has been watching and waiting in the wings like a cuckold voyeuristically filming his dear old wifey get air-tight with the whole Tory party, throwing bundles of his father’s cash into the frame every now and then when the cabinet members started to look tired, biding his time. Meanwhile, current Tory-party wannabe Keir Starmer is squealing for a general election, so he can replace one failed government with another and stagger on for a few more years to reassure us all that parliamentary democracy is not just an in-game of the assets class designed to prevent the masses from rising up in an unstoppable tide to self-organise and self-actualise their potential in a world without domination.

Ever tight-lipped and poker-faced from her secret hiding place in the shed, Liz issued a statement today in morse-code that is scathingly brief, to the last mocking the bougie liberal flabbiness she so deeply despises:

I have therefore spoken to His Majesty the King to notify him that I am resigning as leader of the Conservative Party.”

The King – suspiciously un-irked about Liz killing his mum – is expected to respond in semaphore later today.

Meanwhile, it is rumoured that far from having retired from active duty, Liz “Blunderbuss” Truss is doubling down and going even deeper undercover, having had latex masks of King Charles, Rishi and Keir made-up so she can impersonate them and wreak ever more havoc upon the crumbling social fabric of the Kingdom. Freedom News and indeed the whole world watches, breathless with excitement, to see where next she strikes.




  • GEORGE F doesn’t care if sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Image by By Prime Minister’s Office published under the Open Government Licence v3.0

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