ANTIFA to sue George Soros for unpaid wages

This week court cases began in several countries against George Soros for what is believed to be a legal first for anarchists.

Many ANTIFA groups are already on indefinite strike. The exception being the UK where anti-trade union legislation means a six-week wait for the outcome of a well-attended ballot. However, a local spokesperson stated:

“We’re pretty much working to rule with a complete ban on overtime and strict limits being placed on stuff like smashed ATMs and vandalized police vehicles. However, we would like to reassure the public that we will continue to attend and commit our full resources to emergency situations that arise, like for example, Bristol.”

In a statement, the International Federation for Fucking Shit Up (IFFSU) said that negotiations with Soros had reached a stalemate and that legal action was now the only option. Explaining their grievances an IFFSU spokesman said:

“It is just unacceptable for someone with the wealth of Soros to leave so many people out of pocket. Our members already feel undervalued doing dangerous work often during anti-social hours. The assumption that we do all this for free has to be challenged.

“Take Portland for example. It’s not just a case of making a few molotovs (which by the way, cost money) and chucking them at the feds. If you’re going to be active players in a worldwide conspiracy to turn every patriot into a gluten-free gay, it has to look convincing. Who do you think pays for all those plant-based food distros and trains all those street medics & councillors in the correct use of pronouns? We do, and Soros has to pay up.

“Our members are owed even more in southern states like Texas. They’d already wasted hundreds of dollars on regrettable facial piercings when out of the blue comes the order to attack Capitol Hill while making sure that Trump gets the blame! Do you realise how much money and preparation it takes to turn a skinny purple-haired skateboarder into a potbellied agent provocateur who can blend in with the Proud Boys?

“Admittedly the Proud Boys are pretty dumb having failed to notice how homoerotic they are, but that’s not the point. The cheeseburger bill on its own was astronomical and then there were all those tickets to monster truck rallies and ZZ Top concerts to help them get into character. They’d barely had time to grow those scraggly beards before the main event but they pulled it off. So Soros can now keep his side of the bargain.”

In a separate development, George Soros has launched his own action against a Brighton based ANTIFA member for breach of copyright. This follows a six-month investigation by his team into the source of the ‘Q Conspiracy’. Having unmasked ‘Q’ as a queer, vegan activist of Jewish/Mexican heritage, lawyers feel that they have a watertight case for legal redress.

At the committal hearing the accused party, Richard Rodriguez-Cohen of Kemptown said: 

“Look, this was never my intention. I had finished early at the wholefoods store, so I clicked onto 8chan to kill a bit of time before my weekly workshop on processing western guilt. I thought it would be amusing to post some cryptic, whistle-blowing government agent bullshit and keep all those paranoid morons busy for an hour or two. It was fun at first, but I admit that it has got a bit out of hand.” 

In reply lawyers for Soros said:

“Our client has spent literally billions building up his profile as the sinister puppet master controlling world affairs through suspicious philanthropy like investment in adult literacy. How the fuck is he supposed to compete with a fictitious cabal of satanic paedos fronted by Tom Hanks? That kid owes us big time.”

~ Sammy Gullan


Photo by Guy Smallman