Revealed: Killdren are sell-outs

Sitting at our Angel Alley headquarters, we were quite astonished to see the media shitstorm unraveling around Killdren, a popular London band self-describing their music as a ‘two-bit rave-punk’, and also good comrades of ours. We are not going to link to any of this, but if you are unfamiliar with the story, then googling “Killdren Kill Tory Scum” or similiar should solve it.

Allegedly, Killdren called for murder of “Tory scum”: a statement apparently so outrageous by a punk band to come up with that it landed them prime spots at numerous media outlets’ websites, BBC News, enraged the Jo Cox Foundation, and eventually got them pulled from this year’s Glastonbury line-up, making the in the past alternative festival the place to be for the fun of…. running through the fields of wheat I suppose?

Following a through-out investigation, Freedom News is sad to reveal that the truth about Killdren is far more horrifying: they are in fact sell-outs.

The methodology used in our investigation involved the first-ever recorded incident of a journo watching a Killdren YouTube video in full. We also considered going old-school and listening to Killdren albums backwards, but luckily that proved totally unnecessary in light of terrifying revelations from YouTube.

The music video in question, made to illustrate the band’s song “Kill Tory Scum (Before They Kill You), features a series of cartoonish depictions of political murders committed on Tory Party members, entangled with some hard facts about actual, and not cartoonish at all, murders committed by the Tories via their brutal austerity policy. This all is good and well within punk aesthetics, however, the terror starts towards the end of the video, at 3:13:

WTF???
Ah ok 🙂
🙂
????
???!!!

As clearly indicated by these screenshots, for the last couple of years or so, Killdren have been fooling us all with their claims that they are a radical anarcho punk band, while in fact, they have never intended to kill any “Tory scum”.  Instead, they advocate for very un-anarchist electoral politics as the way to topple the “Tory scum”. Killdren have been planting this message in the brains of punks since May 2017, when they dropped the controversial video just before the snap election. We all fell for it, without realizing that the band’s action was a part of electoral campaign and did not involve killing of a single Tory. Seriously, WTF Killdren?

Rory, a young aspiring punk from Brixton speaking to Freedom News said:

“I’m very disappointed. I genuinely thought that Killdren are into Torycide, I mean it did look like they committed one on YouTube, right?  In fact they have been trying to get me to drag my arse to a polling station, how un-punk is that? Also I need a new song to enrage my parents with, you know of any?”

What’s more, following the recent revelations of mainstream media, Killdren momentarily dropped they punk ethics to take to the internet and brag about how much publicity they have gotten due to this total non-story, and even took an capitalist approach to inform us all how much merch they have sold due to the outrage of some right wing journos. How un-punk is that I ask?

Confronted with our evidence Killdren confirmed the worst:

“We only used anarchism as a vehicle for our star-bound careers. Now having duped 1000s of munted wastemen at squat parties we are spent with the charade and can finally focus on our true calling – selling out!”

So now you all know.

zb


Some info for tabloid press and other fools: the above is, similary to the  Killdren song, a satire, and yes you should open this link. Once you on it, open this  and this too. Also, a bit of advice, if you think that manufacturing outrage about a punk band is harming the said band, then do your homework about punk, or, better still, say nothing.

Killdren are, obviously, punk as fuck and you should check them out if you still haven’t.

Most importantly: Tory austerity policy kills actual people. A lot of people. And this is what everyone should be outraged about.